"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."
I came across this quote randomly and felt it jump out at me, like someone had literally taken the three adjectives that I would want someone to describe me as being and made it real.
And then I started to cry. And bear in mind, I do not cry prettily. I actually suffer from the UCS (Ugly Crying Syndrome), where my eyes burn and get all red, my snuffles sound like a foghorn, and my throat starts to close, making me panic, and do the kind of breathing I imagine women going into labor do. I haven't felt 'noisy and colorful and lively' in awhile. I just felt like everything that I had been so hopeful about once the new year started, was starting to shrivel into nothingness. Oh, and it could also be because, yes, it is That Time of the Month. You know, the IT. Surfing the crimson wave of hell. So as I sit here with my heating pad and hot water and lemon (and as I re-read this sentence, I wonder if I've turned into a ninety-year-old woman), I am composing a new list. A Grumpy List.
Why 2012, A Seemingly Sparkly Year, Has Currently Turned Me Into A PMS-Y Cynic:
1) I have writer's block, in the worst possible way. I'll get an idea, I'll sketch something out in my notebook...but then when I sit down to type it out, I...can't. I don't know why, but everything that I write sounds horrible. And I erase every single thing I write because it isn't what I wanted and then there's nothing. Then I get cranky.
2) I feel like I'm still putting on an invisible jacket of, "Please don't swallow me" every time I step out of my apartment. I love LA. I do. But I get so antsy before I leave, mainly because I am convinced today is the day a truck is going to take my life as it barrels down a 40-MPH road. I get into these moods where if I have everything I need (food, water, various social media outlets, face wash, a full DVR, coffee maker, and a sushi takeout menu), I really don't have to leave my space. So the Kiran Cave goes into full effect, with me applying to more jobs, hating my writing, doing yoga in front of my lifted television, and not leaving. I am social. I love being social. I am not used to exploring on my own, especially when I feel like all I do is get lost and panic as my car shakes on the highway.
3) I can't find my chocolate-covered Cheerios. Also, our DVR is full of Criminal Minds. This is not good for my sleeping habits.
4) I can't find my CamCard. Duh, I'm not a student but I want it. And plus, there was a gift card to Target in there. Dammit, WHERE IS IT?
5) I still need to unpack.
6) I am really starting to see that in "the business," sometimes if you have a plan, it really doesn't matter. At all.
7) My Words With Friends account FORFEITED all of my games because I didn't play while I was at home. So now it says that I lost a bunch of games, when really, with the exception of my roommate, I was kicking everyone else's ass.
8) MY THIGHS TOUCH.
9) An old professor of mine told me I should think about doing stand-up, and all I can think about is having a panic attack on stage and having NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
10) I would just really like all of my friends to live in the same neighborhood. Because I miss them and the fact that they know me really well and that I don't have to start over.
11) My ex-boss has not paid me, yet I still have access to his social media accounts. Hmmm.
12) I think my dad snuck one of his shirts into my suitcase on purpose. Because now I miss home all over again. Stupid girly monthly visitor.
13) My next post will be positive. Perhaps I'll go out and take pictures of all of the hot men I see.
oh girl. I'm the worst at exploring alone. In fact, I'm a little frozen with fear at the thought of going to Italy in a few weeks and managing while Sam is out doing fullbright-y things. I feel ya.
ReplyDeleteChin up. You are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't get out of that silly apartment soon, I'm going to conjure up a list of the most ridiculous things for you to do.
Chop chop.
Kiran - have you read Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg? She's phenomenal and you'll never have writer's block again....okay that last part was a lie, but maybe less often.
ReplyDeleteAnd ... I wear fuzzy socks to bed, and last night I shoved a tissue in each nostril to keep from snot drooling on myself. I think it's perfectly acceptable to be a 90 year old cat lady. : )
I'm going to go out on a corny limb here (not that I haven't already) and say: someone, somewhere (not sure if you're a God girl) has sent you to LA for a reason. It's probably because you're fabulous. Therefore, stop fretting about the writing, singing or acting that you plan to do out there and just do it! JUST DO IT. Buy some Nike's to remind you.
PS. did you see where I said we should penpal...because we should.
ReplyDelete