Alright, Internet, let's see whatcha got...

Confession: I am awful at creating online dating profiles. Why am I even on online dating websites? As lame as this sounds, after hearing my friends talk about it and how "it really is the New-Age form of finding one's soulmate," I decided to give it a shot. But honestly, I'm h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e at creating a profile because I'm not good at putting myself "out there." I have friends who don't even bat an eyelash as they fill out an OkCupid account or an "E-Harmony's Harmonious Relationship" questionnaire. I, however, have visions of serial assholes and Craigslist Killers dancing in my head as I type out my "About Me" summary. But this time, after talking it out with one of my best friends, I figured, why not? I'm definitely moving to California at the end of the summer and I'm in the throes of Senioritis (an epidemic that has struck the class of 2011), so instead of creating graduation announcements, I decided to fill out one of these said relationship websites. And all I have to say is oh. My. God. Maybe I won't "find my true match" or maybe Cupid will decide to evade this twenty-two year old biddy, but after perusing through quite a few profiles of "Striking eligible bachelors," I have realized that there needs to be guidelines for guys when creating a profile.

1) Thou shalt pick a decent username-I have stumbled upon profiles with the most ludicrous usernames. That one name can be an instant turn on or in my case, off. Because let me just say that I will probably not talk to you if your name is FluffyParrotMan39 or ViktoriousThugLyfe or even GitRDunBoi20435. This makes me think that you are either an animal hoarder with a fetish for feathers, missing a few teeth, or a really bad speller (and let me tell you that is an extreme turnoff).

2) Thou shalt proofread your profile-Maybe you meant to say, "If someone was in a burning building, I would run in and rescue them." Maybe you meant to say, "I would love to meet over a cup of coffee." But because of your slippery fingers or sheer idiocy, you have written, "If someone was in a burning building, I would run in with them," and "I would love to meet over a cum of coffee." Um. Bye.

3) Thou shalt not be an asshole with pictures-Okay, seriously? How many pictures of you with a red solo cup can you put up? And why, why, why would you put up pictures of you taking body shots off of a tranny hot mess of a girl? Hi. I do have some self-respect. A guy who messaged me (whose username was ironically YesIamBig) had his profile picture be a shot of him, sweaty and beer-laden with a bunch of Hooters girls and a puppy in his arms. I am not joking. Nor was I impressed.

4) Thou shalt NOT be an asshole in your profile-Example: I saw a profile in which the guy (who had more facial hair than a cult leader) had at the beginning: DISCLAIMOR: IF YOU ARE FAT, DO NOT TALK TO ME. IF YOU ARE BIGER THAN A MOUND OF DIRT, DO NOT TALK TO ME. I almost flipped a shit. First of all, remember rule two? SPELLCHECK, you idiot. And two, SERIOUSLY? Seriously. That's all I can really say to that. Another thing that's really aggravating, as least to me, is when I read profiles that start like this: "Ladies deserve men that are classy and fabulous. I am both of those things." and "I am one of the nicest guys you will ever meet in your life." Ohhhh, and let's not forget: "I'm very respectful of girls, and am a fan of casual sex." It makes me shake my head. And laugh. And then want to cry because this is the pool of guys I have to choose from? I'd rather die lonely surrounded by spinach and artichoke dip and a season of Glee. Sheesh.

5) Thou shalt not be pushy-No. I will not go over to your house for the first date. I don't know if you're Jack the Ripper in disguise or if you have a Confederate flag waving from your roof. I will meet you in public, preferably over coffee or Barnes and Nobles, some place where throngs of people can see us and potentially pull the, "I'll-Pretend-I-Know-You-But-I-Really-Don't-But-You-Need-To-Be-Rescued-From-This-Creeper" move.

I bet you there's more guidelines that'll pop up as this experiment goes on. But at least for now, I can happily say that this has been quite a fun form of entertainment. And on that note...onward!