Confession: I am awful at creating online dating profiles. Why am I even on online dating websites? As lame as this sounds, after hearing my friends talk about it and how "it really is the New-Age form of finding one's soulmate," I decided to give it a shot. But honestly, I'm h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e at creating a profile because I'm not good at putting myself "out there." I have friends who don't even bat an eyelash as they fill out an OkCupid account or an "E-Harmony's Harmonious Relationship" questionnaire. I, however, have visions of serial assholes and Craigslist Killers dancing in my head as I type out my "About Me" summary. But this time, after talking it out with one of my best friends, I figured, why not? I'm definitely moving to California at the end of the summer and I'm in the throes of Senioritis (an epidemic that has struck the class of 2011), so instead of creating graduation announcements, I decided to fill out one of these said relationship websites. And all I have to say is oh. My. God. Maybe I won't "find my true match" or maybe Cupid will decide to evade this twenty-two year old biddy, but after perusing through quite a few profiles of "Striking eligible bachelors," I have realized that there needs to be guidelines for guys when creating a profile.
1) Thou shalt pick a decent username-I have stumbled upon profiles with the most ludicrous usernames. That one name can be an instant turn on or in my case, off. Because let me just say that I will probably not talk to you if your name is FluffyParrotMan39 or ViktoriousThugLyfe or even GitRDunBoi20435. This makes me think that you are either an animal hoarder with a fetish for feathers, missing a few teeth, or a really bad speller (and let me tell you that is an extreme turnoff).
2) Thou shalt proofread your profile-Maybe you meant to say, "If someone was in a burning building, I would run in and rescue them." Maybe you meant to say, "I would love to meet over a cup of coffee." But because of your slippery fingers or sheer idiocy, you have written, "If someone was in a burning building, I would run in with them," and "I would love to meet over a cum of coffee." Um. Bye.
3) Thou shalt not be an asshole with pictures-Okay, seriously? How many pictures of you with a red solo cup can you put up? And why, why, why would you put up pictures of you taking body shots off of a tranny hot mess of a girl? Hi. I do have some self-respect. A guy who messaged me (whose username was ironically YesIamBig) had his profile picture be a shot of him, sweaty and beer-laden with a bunch of Hooters girls and a puppy in his arms. I am not joking. Nor was I impressed.
4) Thou shalt NOT be an asshole in your profile-Example: I saw a profile in which the guy (who had more facial hair than a cult leader) had at the beginning: DISCLAIMOR: IF YOU ARE FAT, DO NOT TALK TO ME. IF YOU ARE BIGER THAN A MOUND OF DIRT, DO NOT TALK TO ME. I almost flipped a shit. First of all, remember rule two? SPELLCHECK, you idiot. And two, SERIOUSLY? Seriously. That's all I can really say to that. Another thing that's really aggravating, as least to me, is when I read profiles that start like this: "Ladies deserve men that are classy and fabulous. I am both of those things." and "I am one of the nicest guys you will ever meet in your life." Ohhhh, and let's not forget: "I'm very respectful of girls, and am a fan of casual sex." It makes me shake my head. And laugh. And then want to cry because this is the pool of guys I have to choose from? I'd rather die lonely surrounded by spinach and artichoke dip and a season of Glee. Sheesh.
5) Thou shalt not be pushy-No. I will not go over to your house for the first date. I don't know if you're Jack the Ripper in disguise or if you have a Confederate flag waving from your roof. I will meet you in public, preferably over coffee or Barnes and Nobles, some place where throngs of people can see us and potentially pull the, "I'll-Pretend-I-Know-You-But-I-Really-Don't-But-You-Need-To-Be-Rescued-From-This-Creeper" move.
I bet you there's more guidelines that'll pop up as this experiment goes on. But at least for now, I can happily say that this has been quite a fun form of entertainment. And on that note...onward!
Showing posts with label February fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label February fun. Show all posts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Looooooove
Valentine's Day is next Monday and last week I had a voracious appetite for doing the very things that sometimes make me irritable around this time of year:
-Surfing wedding blogs
-Looking at every single wedding profile on The Knot
-Reading the "Happy Couple" section in People and Self
-Couple watching in Starbucks...and making faces
-Playing the, "How? How does this stanky celeb have a boyfriend?" with only the closest of my girlfriends (which is mean, I know. But like Spence says, sometimes it's just necessary)
-Eating chocolate but not going to yoga
And then I have to remember the things that make me happy:
+I do what I want. Within reason.
+My time is mine.
+I have a fabulous group of girlfriends that I wouldn't trade with anyone for the world
+I am getting ready to embark on an equally fabulous adventure next year
+I am actually quite happy with the way things are going in my life.
+And on Monday I am going to (quite contentedly) make handmade Valentines (goofy, of course) for my best friends and treat myself to some much-needed Ben and Jerry's. And probably send my dad an e-mail demanding that he be my Valentine.
+Yoga class. Fine, fine...I'll go.
-Surfing wedding blogs
-Looking at every single wedding profile on The Knot
-Reading the "Happy Couple" section in People and Self
-Couple watching in Starbucks...and making faces
-Playing the, "How? How does this stanky celeb have a boyfriend?" with only the closest of my girlfriends (which is mean, I know. But like Spence says, sometimes it's just necessary)
-Eating chocolate but not going to yoga
And then I have to remember the things that make me happy:
+I do what I want. Within reason.
+My time is mine.
+I have a fabulous group of girlfriends that I wouldn't trade with anyone for the world
+I am getting ready to embark on an equally fabulous adventure next year
+I am actually quite happy with the way things are going in my life.
+And on Monday I am going to (quite contentedly) make handmade Valentines (goofy, of course) for my best friends and treat myself to some much-needed Ben and Jerry's. And probably send my dad an e-mail demanding that he be my Valentine.
+Yoga class. Fine, fine...I'll go.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Stopping and Starting
There are days when things just don't stop. Or rather, I don't stop. I just keep going and going and going, be it with school or work or my thesis...sometimes even fun things like socializing can be a chore. So today, I stopped. I stopped and came straight home after I got done at 1:30. I made myself some lunch (a delicious toasted sandwich and a huge bowl of grilled veggies) and just chilled out while I cooked.
Then I started again. Only this time with something that I love doing: catching up with old friends.
I skyped with my friend Brittany, who is this amazing, amazing friend of mine. She's teaching in Spain right now and has been going on all of these exciting adventures (she's heading out to Morocco tomorrow!) but still remains the same thoughtful, sensible, and hilarious individual that I know and love dearly. Bri's one of those girls who you can have a serious heart-to-heart with but never feel stupid. Lately I've been going through a lot about what I want to do with my life and even though she's a sea away, she still manages to reassure me that no, I am not crazy and that yes, no matter what I do I will be successful. Plus Brittany always has the funniest stories about the chicos in Spain, so it's always fun to get a taste of the culture :) (Core-100, much?).
Megan is another story. Megan Emily would probably be the queen of the Ya-Ya's, were such a group to exist. She is this bright, colorful, extremely entertaining ladysoul who is in Wallace, which is a little NC town right near Wilmington. She always has a wild story, cute shoes, and new hair to sport. Megan and I have this thing we do: we don't talk for ages, but somehow when we do, it's like time hasn't stopped. I'm reading this book right now called The Girls from Ames which is about eleven women who have been the best of friends since they were in the womb and are in their forties now. It's been so inspiring to read and one moment I'm reading about the spitfire named Kelly and the next thing I know I'm reaching for my phone, pressing the familiar buttons to dial Meg's number. The second she picked up the phone there was no awkward, "Hello?" the kind where you know the person who is calling (caller i.d., y'all, really) but still feel obligated to sound confused, but a, "Hello, lovely, what are you doing?" familiar Southern drawl that just envelopes you in a hug. With Megan there's no pretending. There's no judging. Actually it's the same for Brittany and Megan. I've never felt more relaxed when I talk to those two. Talking to Megan about weddings and people being arrested on the sides of the road and boys named Rufus made me ache to be in her adorable house that her mother decorated in an equally charming way, sipping on Starbucks and looking through old pictures and listening to music. We've decided to have a reunion of our own, Ames-style: the girls of Heilman Hall from freshmen year at the beach. So exciting.
After I got off the phone with Megan, I thought about the far-away and how sometimes when your friends are "far-away" you feel disconnected. I don't feel that way, though. After today, I feel more connected with two very special people who live in that far-away than I do with those who are close by to me.
I'm really glad that instead of going and going today, I stopped.
Then I started again. Only this time with something that I love doing: catching up with old friends.
I skyped with my friend Brittany, who is this amazing, amazing friend of mine. She's teaching in Spain right now and has been going on all of these exciting adventures (she's heading out to Morocco tomorrow!) but still remains the same thoughtful, sensible, and hilarious individual that I know and love dearly. Bri's one of those girls who you can have a serious heart-to-heart with but never feel stupid. Lately I've been going through a lot about what I want to do with my life and even though she's a sea away, she still manages to reassure me that no, I am not crazy and that yes, no matter what I do I will be successful. Plus Brittany always has the funniest stories about the chicos in Spain, so it's always fun to get a taste of the culture :) (Core-100, much?).
Megan is another story. Megan Emily would probably be the queen of the Ya-Ya's, were such a group to exist. She is this bright, colorful, extremely entertaining ladysoul who is in Wallace, which is a little NC town right near Wilmington. She always has a wild story, cute shoes, and new hair to sport. Megan and I have this thing we do: we don't talk for ages, but somehow when we do, it's like time hasn't stopped. I'm reading this book right now called The Girls from Ames which is about eleven women who have been the best of friends since they were in the womb and are in their forties now. It's been so inspiring to read and one moment I'm reading about the spitfire named Kelly and the next thing I know I'm reaching for my phone, pressing the familiar buttons to dial Meg's number. The second she picked up the phone there was no awkward, "Hello?" the kind where you know the person who is calling (caller i.d., y'all, really) but still feel obligated to sound confused, but a, "Hello, lovely, what are you doing?" familiar Southern drawl that just envelopes you in a hug. With Megan there's no pretending. There's no judging. Actually it's the same for Brittany and Megan. I've never felt more relaxed when I talk to those two. Talking to Megan about weddings and people being arrested on the sides of the road and boys named Rufus made me ache to be in her adorable house that her mother decorated in an equally charming way, sipping on Starbucks and looking through old pictures and listening to music. We've decided to have a reunion of our own, Ames-style: the girls of Heilman Hall from freshmen year at the beach. So exciting.
After I got off the phone with Megan, I thought about the far-away and how sometimes when your friends are "far-away" you feel disconnected. I don't feel that way, though. After today, I feel more connected with two very special people who live in that far-away than I do with those who are close by to me.
I'm really glad that instead of going and going today, I stopped.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
(Un)expected Hearts
Hearts were found in unexpected places on Valentines Day:
On Coke cans.
On Starbucks cups.
But I think a lot of heart was found in the ladies of the Meredith College theatre department, as we said goodbye to Ashley.
Heart has been all around this February, from getting through rehearsals, saying "see you soon's", to campaigning for elections, and to even slogging through the first biology exam of the season (I will reward myself later). Love really is all around.
This is what I have to look forward to on Friday:
Lovely lady Kellie knows how to tap into her other Kelly-Kelly Clarkson, that is. Friday Karaoke at Brickhouse can make any day a fabulous one. And I fully intend to Cupid Shuffle my way over there to celebrate an incredibly hectic week with some of the people who have a huge place in my heart.
On Coke cans.
On Starbucks cups.
But I think a lot of heart was found in the ladies of the Meredith College theatre department, as we said goodbye to Ashley.
Heart has been all around this February, from getting through rehearsals, saying "see you soon's", to campaigning for elections, and to even slogging through the first biology exam of the season (I will reward myself later). Love really is all around.
This is what I have to look forward to on Friday:
Lovely lady Kellie knows how to tap into her other Kelly-Kelly Clarkson, that is. Friday Karaoke at Brickhouse can make any day a fabulous one. And I fully intend to Cupid Shuffle my way over there to celebrate an incredibly hectic week with some of the people who have a huge place in my heart.
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